Brave or stupid?

I'm not sure what I was thinking yesterday, but I agreed to go with my sister to her obstetrician appointment. She is very, very pregnant... her due date is Saturday. I set my boundaries from the beginning by telling her I wasn't going into the exam room with her, but she said it was really the waiting room that she would like me to be there for because the waiting can be quite long. As soon as we arrived, I regretted my decision. I have often felt like the only woman in the room who was not pregnant, but this was the first time it was literally the case.

It was tough! I alternated between wise-cracking jokes about anything at all just to take my mind off my surroundings, and allowing myself brief seconds of daydreaming that I was sitting there with an expanding belly just like everyone else. I've often heard people in the adoption community say that they were asked during the application process if they have accepted and grieved their infertility. I can say after yesterday that on the deepest level I have done neither. How do you accept something that isn't definitive? For us, there are "factors", but nothing that should 100% prevent us from getting pregnant. It would be much easier to move on if things were certain. It would also be easier to move on if the decision to adopt felt more certain. If we had known at the time how long and tenuous this path would be, I can't say for sure if our decision would have been the same.

Ok, let's get this post back on a positive track. On the walk back to the car after my sister's appointment was over, I saw something on the front of my shirt and cursed under my breath because I thought I had dropped something on my white T-shirt. A closer look revealed.... a large red ladybug! It landed in the centre of my chest, right on my heart. I'm pretty sure this is the first ladybug I've seen this summer. Do I believe this was some kind of sign? I sure want to believe.

As for the update on my new niece or nephew, he/she is now "scheduled" to arrive by Monday at the latest. The doctor booked an appointment for inducing for Monday at 8am. He told the admitting clerk "Nothing wrong with the baby, this is for Mommy's mental health only".